I can’t say that I’m the world’s foremost financial news scholar, but I know that the current owner of Paramount is a guy named David Ellison, a zillionaire who only wants more More MORE and recently threatened the state of California with economic devastation if he wasn’t allowed to buy Warner Bros. Discovery. (The ploy appears to have worked.)

This fella may be rich but everybody hates him online. While I’m hardly one to whitewash cartoon villains on the extreme end of our corporate class, I do have an idea that could help both Mr. Ellison and us.

The jewel in Paramount’s crown is Star Trek, an IP universally known and revered. While its recent iterations have its supporters (me among them, for the most part), it’s fair to say the brand is not currently setting the galaxy on fire. The two active Trek series are in the process of sunsetting, but new projects are allegedly in development.

Old school Trek fans face a hurdle when trying to encourage new people to engage with the franchise. Two of the greatest chapters look like absolute garbage.

The targ in the room concerning Star Trek is that Deep Space Nine and Voyager have never been uprezzed to HD, and when you stream them on Paramount Plus it’s so fuzzy it looks like you rubbed gagh on your glasses.

The Original Series and The Next Generation were not shot for high definition, but have been converted and look terrific. Not so for DS9 and VOY. The reason for this, I am told, is simple: cost.

It was very difficult to make the TNG upgrade, and while the Blu-ray sales did well they didn’t do well enough. It would be even more costly to make the change to the other two shows because of how the effects were produced and integrated into the final image, and many of the original elements no longer exist.

But can it be done? Of course it could be done. If we can send a man to warp put a man on the moon, we can watch Captain Sisko win the Dominion War in an acceptable format. It just means coughing up a lot of latinum.

But probably no more latinum than rushing a new series or feature film into production that gets middling returns in the marketplace, which is what Paramount is likely to do with their most important brand.

Therefore I say to you, Mr. Ellison, who is surely reading this: “Dave, don’t be a Paramount Putz — announce HD DS9 on Paramount Plus!!!!”

Gain yourself some goodwill, and also a little time, and do this important work.

And why not eventize it?! Release a new season each quarter. Do press. DS9 and VOY performers hitting the road promoting a new season of their beloved show would be great for them, great for old fans, and great for converting new fans. Trust me, Nana Visitor or Ethan Phillips yapping to Seth Meyers is only a net positive for all.

It’s a pricey investment, but a good one. Plus the post-production workers in Hollywood think you are trying to nuke their jobs; this project will keep them busy and make them curse you less.

Some say many of the special effects shots will need to be recreated from the ground up. To which I say: so? This, too, can be done, it just costs money. Mere pocket change for Dave Ellison. You can pay for the whole thing yourself, look like a hero, and also give some SFX guys some work.

Mr. Ellison, I offer you this idea free of charge. I don’t even need a thank you. Being able to visit the Replimat on a screen larger than an iPhone will be everything I need.

Jordan Hoffman, Communications Officer

But what’s funny is that just a few pages later was that month’s cover story, which you can see concerns Event Horizon. (Cue Laurence Fishburne’s inimitable baritone: “This place is a tomb.”)

That film was, of course, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, who would later make the Resident Evil movies starring Milla Jovovich. Funnily enough, he does talk about “video game movies” a little bit, having made Mortal Kombat, but he did not yet know how much they would continue to play into his future.

Click the “Listen” button below to hear more about the weird coincidences in this 29-year-old issue of STARLOG, and subscribe to The STARLOG Podcast on any podcasting platform.

This week’s episode of The STARLOG Podcast was, if nothing else, an opportunity to check something off my list that’s been on there for a very long time.

When I asked Polygon’s Editor-in-Chief and Dave’s podcasting buddy at Fighting in the War Room Matt Patches to come on the show, I told him he could pick any topic he wanted. And what he wanted to talk about was D.A.R.Y.L.

This 1985 kid-friendly sci-fi film is something I’ve known about for 40 years but, for reasons discussed on the episode, I’d never seen. I’m glad those days are over. This movie is weird and inappropriate (there are so many jokes about sex workers delivered by 10-year-olds) and its storytelling doesn’t necessarily hold up to scrutiny. But! BUT! It is surprisingly compelling and fun. I genuinely loved it, and so did Dave.

Discussions about D.A.R.Y.L. are hardly “breaking news,” but Dave, Patches, and I have known one another for a very long time, so I think you’ll enjoy hearing the three of us dig into this mid-’80s oddity.

The new episode of The STARLOG Podcast, like the ones before it, is on whatever podcasting platform you prefer. Or you can just click the little “listen” button below.

SCI-FI

Brad Bird’s first non-sequel animated film in nearly 20 years is here. Well, almost here. Coming soon to a theater near you (before it’s on Netflix), to bend an old expression. Behold, the trailer for Ray Gunn fired off this week, and everyone is excited. Check it out here.

SCIENCE

Scientists have discovered a new species of cat. It’s been a century since the last time something like this has happened. Hooray for cats and the scientists who classify them! You can check out more info about the Bolivian tilcayo in Smithsonian Mag.

CULTURE

A six-year-old kid has broken the record for the fastest solved Rubik’s Cube. We’re talking five seconds. Under five seconds. (One time I completed a single side after agonizing for hours.) You can watch videos and read about Lian Yunzhi in amazement at The Guardian.

ETHICS

I was a little happier before I knew about “sky tsunamis,” a very real threat to civilization that, naturally, has been made even worse thanks to climate change. This article from BBC’s Science Focus warns that these deadly events “can and will happen.”